Another experience from the vault of my kinky experiences – part entertainment, part cautionary tale (or at least one of best practices for sex things with complicated moving parts).
What to do and NOT to do when taking a sex machine to a kink party…
And, I give kinky gratitude to my friend “M” at sexmachines.com – the one who blessed me with my magical machine of thrusting goodness.
HardFetClub is one of the more “hard-core” kink/fetish parties in Madrid – most other locals are swingers clubs or fetish parties with cliques that are nigh impossible to get yourself into (sometimes with lots of staring and silent judging from all corners).
HardFetClub, however, was dark enough (literally, it’s a basement gay club that rents out their space to other friendly groups), big enough, and feisty enough that even going alone wasn’t judged.
There are crossdressers, goths, corseted dommes, vampires, riggers, rope bunnies, bears, pretty boys, sissies, unidentifiable, and (my favorite) guys walking around in nothing but their running shoes.
Good times had by all.
The bad news?
It’s only once a month AND it shuts down for the summer.
THE MAGICAL MACHINE
I’ve somehow started collecting sex machines – and somehow have become the “sex toy lady”. So, f-it! I decided to embrace the title, put on my figurative overalls, and lug my Model 1 to the event (with permission from the coordinator of course).
PRO – It’s small and disassemble-able.
CON – It’s heavy and disassemble-able.
Hauling this thing was light weight lifting. There were also multiple bars sticking out of the bag – threatening to anally probe people by surprise. But at least I had everything else – medical gloves, anal lube, sex toy cleaner, condoms (to put over the toy for extra safety), and a feisty spirit.
THE PAIN IN THE ASS SET UP
The machine itself was easy to put back together – the hard part was finding a bloody outlet that worked. Most of them were pooped and never fixed or located in inconvenient places – like next to the sexy swing (too much thrusting and rocking back and forth competing against each other).
When we finally found the only one in the entire city that worked, it was near a bunk bed… Ugh.
But wait! There’s more!
The converter we grabbed decided to keep popping out so we had to plug it in, and shoved the bed against it to keep it secure.
So, picture this… Two people in a small bunk bed, hunched down, while a third person reached over trying to keep the converted plug in place. All this with the foam mattress making it a less-than-stable surface for the machine.
Oh and, as I mentioned before, it was dark AF.
Most were interested and took a quick look as they walked by – but there wasn’t the long line of perverts you would think would be there (nor did I expect that). One of our friends finally worked up the courage as long as she could keep her dress on.
By the time we got halfway up the dial, she had already lifted her own skirt and was moaning like a porn star. This brought a couple more people over to us. And, after I sanitized vital parts of the machine, they got their turn.
The thing is…
People need lots of lube when using sex machines.
So, I was slathering it on the condom-ed dildo. But it was also all over my hands. This meant that any time I had to adjust the machine because it was slipping or moving, things got lube on them. Then things slipped more.
Then, just as I was setting up for the next person …
The rod that controls the trusting popped off AND the actual machine slid down the vertical support bars.
*Than you, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a great crowd.*
I packed things up (including the spare parts around the bed) and enjoyed the rest of the night the old fashioned way…by spanking people and while watching shibari.
It turns out that one little nut came off the bolt and the lube had slicked up the bars.
Would I bring this again…hmmm maybe? But I would be extra careful with what I touch. I also bought a new cord with the proper plug for Spain. The better option would probably be the reciprocating saw with dildo attachment…
But that’s a story for another day.